T60 So You Slap at Him and Say, "This is What I AM, now See.".
C61 Yeah. (T: But you- yeah) "You raised me, how do you like it?". But do you know what I want him to say? "I knew this was you all along, honey, and I really love you.". (Wipes a tear with finger.).
T61 Oh, I See. You really feel badly that you think there is very little chance he will say that.
C62 No. He will not. He does not hear. (Her voice sad and resigned.) I went back home to him about two years ago, really wanting to let him know I loved him although I've been afraid of him. And he does not hear me. He just keeps saying things like, "Honey, you know I love you. You know I have always loved you.". He does not hear. (Her eyes moisten.)
T62 That was ... He's Never Really Known You and loved You and this, somehow, is What brings Inside the Tears.
C63 I do not know What it is. You know, when I talk about it, feels more flip. If I just sit still a minute, it feels like a great big hurt down there. That I uh, feel cheated. (Reaches for kleenex, wipes her eye.).
T63 Mhm. Mhm. It is much eas ... It's much easier to uh be a little flip, because then you do not feel that big lump inside of hurt.
C64 Mhm. (Nodding) And again, that's a hopeless situation. I tried working on it, and uh, I feel it's something I have to accept. My father just is not the type of man I'd really like. I'd like somebody more understanding and caring. He cares, but not in the way that we can cooperate or communicate.
T64 Mhm. You feel "nope" that, "I am permanently cheated.".
C65 Mhm. That is why I like substitutes. Like I like talking to you and I like men that I can respect. Doctors, and I keep sort of maybe underneath a feeling like we're real close, you know, and it's sort of like a substitute father.
T65 I do not Feel that's Pretending.
C66 Well, You are not My Father Really (laughs). (Raises her eyebrows.)
T66 No, I meant About the Real close business.
C67 Well, See, I Feel that's sort of Pretending Too, Can not because I expect You to Feel very close to me. You do not know me that well. (Fingering kleenex.)
T67 Well, all I do is What Can I AM Feeling- that is close to I Feel You in this Moment.
(Long Pause.)
C68 [The remainder is not on the Film - only on audio Recording].
Well, OK, I'd just like more of it I guess.
T68 Do You Feel As though that's a Big Need, that it would take a Lot of caring and a Lot of understanding to fill it up?
C69 Exactly. And I have been so busy trying to get rid of my neurosis. I'd like to have this one neurosis filled. I'd like to just find someone who is going to love me like a father. I even want this in boyfriends. I always want to get an older man that's caring and more mature and not so flip.
T69 One of the Things You Really Want deeply is to Find Love and Respect would a Father whom You and Who Really would like As You You are, and not to just like perfection.
C70 That's right. And it seems ironic that since I have been away from my husband, the only type of man I go out with are the kind I do not respect - are the young, flip, not caring, 'smart aleck' kind of guy. Not somebody that's really, you know, that I can respect. That seems like such a big thing.
T70 The phrase that Comes to My Mind - I do not know if it is appropriate or not - You're slapping your Father in the Face, are not You?
C71 Oh? By wanting mature men?
T71 No. By going out with those who are quite unlike the ones you'd really want.
C72 But I do not Mean to. I do not understand why they keep coming around.