Later, in the stillness that only comes in the wee hours of the morning, I again found myself trying to understand, and it hit me. I never will. I had spent a countless amount of energy trying to understand someone else's reasoning and emotions that are so far off my radar. I had never just accepted that that was how he felt. My goal was to understand, and the need to understand kept me always looking back. I then started taking inventory of other situations in my life and was astonished (and, I admit, a little scared) at how much of my time was spent looking back for the mere purpose of understanding. Trying to understand my ex's post divorce behavior would make me look back. Why did I make certain decisions? Again, looking back. All of my emotional energy and, consequently my frustration, were rolled up into that one word, understand.