This report was commissioned to examine the growing hedgehog problem in Pleasantville and the resources needed in order to combat it. Our local hedgehog population has grown 2000% in the last year, mostly due to migration, and has come to a bursting point. Data was taken from a number of initiatives, and preliminary “hands-on” experiments were created where needed.
This research paper suggests that, above all, the hedgehogs may value respect more than anything else in their dealings with humans. Data backing this assessment up include the following:
Nearly all hedgehogs removed via a gigantic vacuum without prior approval returned to Pleasantville within a week;
Those hedgehogs consulted, then placed in cages (instead of being vacuumed) generally do not return to town, especially when transplanted to neighboring Danville;
In almost all circumstances, hedgehogs are much more susceptible to bribes and flattery than traditional brute force. The reason why is outside the scope of our understanding, but the data are there.
Because the problem has become so desperate in such a short amount of time, it’s this paper’s opinion that, no matter what the method, we need to deal with it immediately. A removal method involving coaxing, then caging, then transplanting the animals has been effective, but it is time-consuming and costly. Original research done for the paper, in which the authors made a long trail of candy from the outskirts of Pleasantville to the center of Danville, has been almost 100% effective, but also has serious time and money constraints. In order to coexist with the creatures, we need to compromise. Again, the hedgehogs do not appear to be able to communicate, but research indicates they may at least understand us. Can we bargain with the hedgehogs to keep them out of our homes (and refrigerators)? We aren’t sure yet. But we need to try soon, lest we need move onto a final option: extermination.
Though many in Pleasantville called for this method from the outset, the powers that be (rightly) decided to try nonviolent methods at first. With time running out, this paper posits that we may need to move onto what some would consider more barbaric attempts to clean out the invading species. The paper examines several options, including typical pest-removal practices like hunting and poisoning, and weighs their usefulness in our situation. Though all statistical data still says cooperation is the best way to go, the margin is certainly slipping.
In closing, it is recommended that
We attempt to reason with the creatures, insofar as a hedgehog can reason;
We continue with existing methods of caging, coaxing, and transplanting, without the added cost of gigantic hedgehog vacuums;
If we consider moving to traditional (violent) methods of removal, we must invest fully, as any favor we curry with these creatures will certainly disappear the moment we start harming their friends and families.