I'm not going to ask why you need to meet new people. Maybe you transferred to a different school, or you took a job in a new town, or all of your old friends changed their phone numbers and names. Whatever the case, you now find yourself alone, lonely, and wanting to do something about it.
As it happens, I've moved around a bit in my life, and I've also, if we're being honest here, had at least a few friends figure me out and stop taking my calls. A lifetime of bitter, tear-choked alone time -- aside from providing me with the necessary foundation to build a career in comedy -- has led me to develop a fairly comprehensive system for how to make new friends. I present this system to you below, illustrated with a few examples from my own experience, so that you can learn from the failure pile that is my life.