wordy. I always have to revise her writing, but it’s important that I preserve
her meaning.”
Read the following paragraph from one of the proposals Gloria needs
to revise, and rewrite it so that it’s clear, focused, and appropriately short.
As the leader in the silk flower industry, we create arrangements that are
lush and full and always custom designed, featuring seasonal blossoms in
an array of colors to create just the look you seek whether the occasion is
a wedding, reunion, business meeting or conference, or other event. We
guarantee that every arrangement will be designed to your specifications,
and we promise that our custom designs will be delivered on time
and at or below budget. (Two sentences of forty-nine and twenty-eight
words average thirty-eight-and-a-half words per sentence—too long.)
How did you approach this exercise? Did you first look to see if one of
the two sentences was a compound sentence? Often, that’s the easiest way
to begin revising long or complicated sentences.
In this example, the second sentence is compound; two independent
clauses are connected with the BOY’S FAN word and. Breaking the
clauses into two separate units might be a good start to the revision.
We guarantee that every arrangement will be designed to your specifications.
We promise that our custom designs will be delivered on time
and at or below budget. (Two sentences of eleven and sixteen words
average thirteen-and-a-half words per sentence.)
Note that each sentence is stronger than was the one, longer sentence.
Now that you see them one after another, however, do you notice the
redundant structure? The first begins, “We guarantee.” The second begins,
“We promise.” Given the similarity, it might be better to combine them.
We guarantee that every arrangement will be custom designed to your
specifications, delivered on time, and at or below budget. (twenty words)
Can you hear how much more powerful this one sentence is?
What about the first sentence? Note that it’s not compound; it’s complicated.
Useful details are provided, but too much information is given
all at once.
wordy. I always have to revise her writing, but it’s important that I preserve
her meaning.”
Read the following paragraph from one of the proposals Gloria needs
to revise, and rewrite it so that it’s clear, focused, and appropriately short.
As the leader in the silk flower industry, we create arrangements that are
lush and full and always custom designed, featuring seasonal blossoms in
an array of colors to create just the look you seek whether the occasion is
a wedding, reunion, business meeting or conference, or other event. We
guarantee that every arrangement will be designed to your specifications,
and we promise that our custom designs will be delivered on time
and at or below budget. (Two sentences of forty-nine and twenty-eight
words average thirty-eight-and-a-half words per sentence—too long.)
How did you approach this exercise? Did you first look to see if one of
the two sentences was a compound sentence? Often, that’s the easiest way
to begin revising long or complicated sentences.
In this example, the second sentence is compound; two independent
clauses are connected with the BOY’S FAN word and. Breaking the
clauses into two separate units might be a good start to the revision.
We guarantee that every arrangement will be designed to your specifications.
We promise that our custom designs will be delivered on time
and at or below budget. (Two sentences of eleven and sixteen words
average thirteen-and-a-half words per sentence.)
Note that each sentence is stronger than was the one, longer sentence.
Now that you see them one after another, however, do you notice the
redundant structure? The first begins, “We guarantee.” The second begins,
“We promise.” Given the similarity, it might be better to combine them.
We guarantee that every arrangement will be custom designed to your
specifications, delivered on time, and at or below budget. (twenty words)
Can you hear how much more powerful this one sentence is?
What about the first sentence? Note that it’s not compound; it’s complicated.
Useful details are provided, but too much information is given
all at once.
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