Setting is in the March Hare’s Garden, showing part of the Duchess’ house. On a small platform
there is a tea table, set with many cups, continuing into wings to give impression of limitless
length. The March Hare, Hatter, and Dormouse are crowded at one end. Alice sits on the
ground, where she has been dropped from the sky. Finding herself not bruised, she rises and
approaches the table.
MARCH HARE AND HATTER: No room! No room!
ALICE: There’s plenty of room! (She sits in a large armchair at one end of the table) I don’t
know who you are.
MARCH HARE: I am the March Hare, that’s the Hatter, and this is the Dormouse. Have some
wine?
ALICE: I don’t see any wine.
MARCH HARE: There isn’t any.
ALICE: Then it wasn’t very civil of you to offer it.
MARCH HARE: It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
ALICE: I didn’t know it was your table; it’s laid for a great many more than three.
HATTER: Your hair wants cutting.
ALICE: You should learn not to make personal remarks; it’s very rude.
HATTER: Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
ALICE: Come, we shall have some fun now! I’m glad you’ve begun asking riddles—I believe I
can guess that.
MARCH HARE: So you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?
ALICE: Exactly so.
MARCH HARE: Then you should say what you mean.www.skits-o-mania.com
ALICE: I do; at least—at least I mean what I say—that’s the same thing, you know.
HATTER: Not the same thing a bit! Why, you might just as well say that, “I see what I eat” is
the same thing as, “I eat what I see!”
MARCH HARE: You might just as well say that, “I like what I get,” is the same thing as, “I get
what I like.”
DORMOUSE: You might just as well say that, “I breathe when I sleep” is the same thing as, “I
sleep when I breathe.”
HATTER: It is the same thing with you. (Takes out his watch, looks at it uneasily, shakes it,
holds it to his ear) What day of the month is it?
ALICE: The fourth.
HATTER: Two days wrong. I told you butter wouldn’t suit the works!
MARCH HARE: It was the best butter.
HATTER: Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well; you shouldn’t have put it in with the
bread-knife—
MARCH HARE: (Takes the watch, looks at it gloomily, dips it into his cup of tea, and looks at it
again, but doesn’t know what else to say). It was the best butter, you know.
ALICE: What a funny watch! It tells the day of the month, and doesn’t tell what o’clock it is.
HATTER: Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?
ALICE: Of course not, but that’s because it stays the same year for such a long time together.
HATTER: Which is just the case with mine.
ALICE: I don’t quite understand you. What you said had no sort of meaning in it and yet it was
certainly English.
HATTER: (Pouring some hot tea on the Dormouse’s nose). The Dormouse is asleep again.
DORMOUSE: Of course, of course, just what I was going to remark myself.
HATTER: Have you guessed the riddle yet?
ALICE: No, I give it up. What’s the answer?
HATTER: I haven’t the slightest idea.www.skits-o-mania.com
MARCH HARE: Nor I.
ALICE: I think you might do something better with the time, than wasting it in asking riddles
that have no answers
HATTER: If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn’t talk about wasting it. It’s him.
ALICE: I don’t know what you mean.
HATTER: Of course you don’t. I dare say you never even spoke of Time.
ALICE: Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.
HATTER: Ah, that accounts for it. He won’t stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms
with him, he’d do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine
o’clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons. You’d only have to whisper a hint to Time,
and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half past one, time for dinner.
MARCH HARE: I only wish it was.
ALICE: That would be grand, certainly, but then—I shouldn’t be hungry for it, you know.
HATTER: Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half past one as long as you liked.
ALICE: Is that the way you manage?
HATTER: Not I, —we quarreled last March—just before he went mad, you know. It was at the
great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing—
“Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you’re at!”
You know the song, perhaps.
ALICE: I’ve heard something like it.
DORMOUSE: Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle—
HATTER: Well, I’d hardly finished the first verse when the Queen bawled out, “He’s murdering
the time! Off with his head!”
ALICE: How dreadfully savage!
HATTER: And ever since that, he won’t do a thing I ask! It’s always six o’clock now.
ALICE: Is that the reason so many tea-things are put out here?
HATTER: Yes, that’s it; it’s always tea time, and we’ve no time to wash the things between
whiles.www.skits-o-mania.com
ALICE: Then you keep moving round, I suppose?
HATTER: Exactly so, as the things get used up.
ALICE: But when you come to the beginning again?
MARCH HARE: Suppose we change the subject. I vote the young lady tells us a story.
ALICE: I’m afraid I don’t know one.
MARCH HARE AND HATTER: Then the Dormouse shall. Wake up, Dormouse. (They pinch
him on both sides at once)
DORMOUSE: (Opens his eyes slowly and says, in a hoarse, feeble voice) I wasn’t asleep; I
heard every word you fellows were saying.
MARCH HARE: Tell us a story.
ALICE: Yes, please do!
HATTER: And be quick about it, or you’ll be asleep again before it’s done.
DORMOUSE: Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and their names were Elsie, Lacie,
and Tillie, and they lived at the bottom of a well—
ALICE: What did they live on?
DORMOUSE: They lived on treacle.
ALICE: They couldn’t have done that, you know, —they’d have been ill.
DORMOUSE: So they were, very ill.
ALICE: But why did they live at the bottom of a well?
MARCH HARE: Take some more tea.
ALICE: I’ve had nothing yet, so I can’t take more.
HATTER: You mean, you can’t take less; it’s very easy to take more than nothing.
ALICE: Nobody asked your opinion.
HATTER: Who’s making personal remarks now?www.skits-o-mania.com
ALICE: (Helps herself to tea and bread and butter) Why did they live at the bottom of a well?
DORMOUSE: (Takes a minute or two to think) It was a treacle-well.
ALICE: There’s no such a thing!
HATTER AND MARCH HARE: Sh! Sh!
DORMOUSE: If you can’t be civil, you’d better finish the story for yourself.
ALICE: (Very humbly) No, please go on. I won’t interrupt you again. I dare say there may be
one.
DORMOUSE: One, indeed! And so these three little sisters—they were learning to draw, you
know—
ALICE: What did they draw?
DORMOUSE: Treacle.
HATTER: I want a clean cup. Let’s all move one place on. (Hatter moves on, Dormouse takes
his place, March Hare takes Dormouse’s place, and Alice unwillingly takes March Hare’s place)
ALICE: I’m worse off than I was before. You’ve upset the milk jug into your plate.
MARCH HARE: It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
ALICE: Where did they draw the treacle from?
HATTER: You can draw water out of a water-well, so I should think you could draw treacle out
of a treacle-well—eh? Stupid?
ALICE: But they were in the well.
DORMOUSE: Of course they were—well in. They were learning to draw, and they drew all
manner of things—everything that begins with an M—
ALICE: Why with an M?
MARCH HARE: Why not? (Alice is silent and confused. Hatter pinches Dormouse to wake him
up)
DORMOUSE: (Wakes with a little shriek and continues) –that begins with an M, such as mousetraps and the moon and memory and muchness—you know you say things are “much of a
muchness” –did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?www.skits-o-mania.com
HATTER: Did you?
ALICE: Really, now you ask me, I don’t think—
HATTER: Then you shouldn’t talk.
MARCH HARE: No!
ALICE: (Rises and walks away) You are very rude. It’s the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all
my life—(White Rabbit enters, carrying a huge envelope with a seal and crown on it)
MARCH HARE AND HATTER: No room! No room!
(Rabbit pays no attention to them but goes to the house and raps loudly. A Footman in livery,
with a round face and large eyes like a frog, and powdered hair, opens the door)
WHITE RABBIT: For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.
FROG: From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet. (White Rabbit bows and
goes out)
MARCH HARE AND HATTER: (To White Rabbit) No room! No room! No room! (The Frog
disappears into the house, but leaves the door open. There is a terrible din, and many saucepans
fly out.)
MARCH HARE: She’s at it again.
HATTER: It’s perfectly disgusting.
MARCH HARE: Let’s move on. (The platform moves off with table, chairs, March Hare,
Hatter, and Dormouse. Meanwhile, the Frog has come out again and is sitting near the closed
door, staring stupidly at the sky. Alice goes to the door timidly and knocks)
FROG: There’s no sort of use in knocking, and that for two reasons: First, because I’m on the
same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they’re making such a noise inside, no one
could possibly hear you.
ALICE: Please then, how am I to get in?
FROG: There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us. For
instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know.
ALICE: How am I to get in?www.skits-o-mania.com
FROG: I shall sit here, till tomorrow. (The door opens and a large plate skims out straight at the
Frog’s head; it grazes his nose and breaks into pieces. Frog acts as if nothing had happened)
Our next day, maybe.
ALICE: How am I to get in?
FROG: Are you to get in at all? That’s the first question, you know.
ALICE: It’s really dreadful the way all you creatures argue. It’s enough to drive one crazy.
FROG: I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.
ALICE: But what am I to do?
FROG: Anything you like. (He begins to whistle)
ALICE: Where’s the servant w
Setting is in the March Hare’s Garden, showing part of the Duchess’ house. On a small platform
there is a tea table, set with many cups, continuing into wings to give impression of limitless
length. The March Hare, Hatter, and Dormouse are crowded at one end. Alice sits on the
ground, where she has been dropped from the sky. Finding herself not bruised, she rises and
approaches the table.
MARCH HARE AND HATTER: No room! No room!
ALICE: There’s plenty of room! (She sits in a large armchair at one end of the table) I don’t
know who you are.
MARCH HARE: I am the March Hare, that’s the Hatter, and this is the Dormouse. Have some
wine?
ALICE: I don’t see any wine.
MARCH HARE: There isn’t any.
ALICE: Then it wasn’t very civil of you to offer it.
MARCH HARE: It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
ALICE: I didn’t know it was your table; it’s laid for a great many more than three.
HATTER: Your hair wants cutting.
ALICE: You should learn not to make personal remarks; it’s very rude.
HATTER: Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
ALICE: Come, we shall have some fun now! I’m glad you’ve begun asking riddles—I believe I
can guess that.
MARCH HARE: So you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?
ALICE: Exactly so.
MARCH HARE: Then you should say what you mean.www.skits-o-mania.com
ALICE: I do; at least—at least I mean what I say—that’s the same thing, you know.
HATTER: Not the same thing a bit! Why, you might just as well say that, “I see what I eat” is
the same thing as, “I eat what I see!”
MARCH HARE: You might just as well say that, “I like what I get,” is the same thing as, “I get
what I like.”
DORMOUSE: You might just as well say that, “I breathe when I sleep” is the same thing as, “I
sleep when I breathe.”
HATTER: It is the same thing with you. (Takes out his watch, looks at it uneasily, shakes it,
holds it to his ear) What day of the month is it?
ALICE: The fourth.
HATTER: Two days wrong. I told you butter wouldn’t suit the works!
MARCH HARE: It was the best butter.
HATTER: Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well; you shouldn’t have put it in with the
bread-knife—
MARCH HARE: (Takes the watch, looks at it gloomily, dips it into his cup of tea, and looks at it
again, but doesn’t know what else to say). It was the best butter, you know.
ALICE: What a funny watch! It tells the day of the month, and doesn’t tell what o’clock it is.
HATTER: Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?
ALICE: Of course not, but that’s because it stays the same year for such a long time together.
HATTER: Which is just the case with mine.
ALICE: I don’t quite understand you. What you said had no sort of meaning in it and yet it was
certainly English.
HATTER: (Pouring some hot tea on the Dormouse’s nose). The Dormouse is asleep again.
DORMOUSE: Of course, of course, just what I was going to remark myself.
HATTER: Have you guessed the riddle yet?
ALICE: No, I give it up. What’s the answer?
HATTER: I haven’t the slightest idea.www.skits-o-mania.com
MARCH HARE: Nor I.
ALICE: I think you might do something better with the time, than wasting it in asking riddles
that have no answers
HATTER: If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn’t talk about wasting it. It’s him.
ALICE: I don’t know what you mean.
HATTER: Of course you don’t. I dare say you never even spoke of Time.
ALICE: Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.
HATTER: Ah, that accounts for it. He won’t stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms
with him, he’d do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine
o’clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons. You’d only have to whisper a hint to Time,
and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half past one, time for dinner.
MARCH HARE: I only wish it was.
ALICE: That would be grand, certainly, but then—I shouldn’t be hungry for it, you know.
HATTER: Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half past one as long as you liked.
ALICE: Is that the way you manage?
HATTER: Not I, —we quarreled last March—just before he went mad, you know. It was at the
great concert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing—
“Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you’re at!”
You know the song, perhaps.
ALICE: I’ve heard something like it.
DORMOUSE: Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle—
HATTER: Well, I’d hardly finished the first verse when the Queen bawled out, “He’s murdering
the time! Off with his head!”
ALICE: How dreadfully savage!
HATTER: And ever since that, he won’t do a thing I ask! It’s always six o’clock now.
ALICE: Is that the reason so many tea-things are put out here?
HATTER: Yes, that’s it; it’s always tea time, and we’ve no time to wash the things between
whiles.www.skits-o-mania.com
ALICE: Then you keep moving round, I suppose?
HATTER: Exactly so, as the things get used up.
ALICE: But when you come to the beginning again?
MARCH HARE: Suppose we change the subject. I vote the young lady tells us a story.
ALICE: I’m afraid I don’t know one.
MARCH HARE AND HATTER: Then the Dormouse shall. Wake up, Dormouse. (They pinch
him on both sides at once)
DORMOUSE: (Opens his eyes slowly and says, in a hoarse, feeble voice) I wasn’t asleep; I
heard every word you fellows were saying.
MARCH HARE: Tell us a story.
ALICE: Yes, please do!
HATTER: And be quick about it, or you’ll be asleep again before it’s done.
DORMOUSE: Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and their names were Elsie, Lacie,
and Tillie, and they lived at the bottom of a well—
ALICE: What did they live on?
DORMOUSE: They lived on treacle.
ALICE: They couldn’t have done that, you know, —they’d have been ill.
DORMOUSE: So they were, very ill.
ALICE: But why did they live at the bottom of a well?
MARCH HARE: Take some more tea.
ALICE: I’ve had nothing yet, so I can’t take more.
HATTER: You mean, you can’t take less; it’s very easy to take more than nothing.
ALICE: Nobody asked your opinion.
HATTER: Who’s making personal remarks now?www.skits-o-mania.com
ALICE: (Helps herself to tea and bread and butter) Why did they live at the bottom of a well?
DORMOUSE: (Takes a minute or two to think) It was a treacle-well.
ALICE: There’s no such a thing!
HATTER AND MARCH HARE: Sh! Sh!
DORMOUSE: If you can’t be civil, you’d better finish the story for yourself.
ALICE: (Very humbly) No, please go on. I won’t interrupt you again. I dare say there may be
one.
DORMOUSE: One, indeed! And so these three little sisters—they were learning to draw, you
know—
ALICE: What did they draw?
DORMOUSE: Treacle.
HATTER: I want a clean cup. Let’s all move one place on. (Hatter moves on, Dormouse takes
his place, March Hare takes Dormouse’s place, and Alice unwillingly takes March Hare’s place)
ALICE: I’m worse off than I was before. You’ve upset the milk jug into your plate.
MARCH HARE: It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.
ALICE: Where did they draw the treacle from?
HATTER: You can draw water out of a water-well, so I should think you could draw treacle out
of a treacle-well—eh? Stupid?
ALICE: But they were in the well.
DORMOUSE: Of course they were—well in. They were learning to draw, and they drew all
manner of things—everything that begins with an M—
ALICE: Why with an M?
MARCH HARE: Why not? (Alice is silent and confused. Hatter pinches Dormouse to wake him
up)
DORMOUSE: (Wakes with a little shriek and continues) –that begins with an M, such as mousetraps and the moon and memory and muchness—you know you say things are “much of a
muchness” –did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?www.skits-o-mania.com
HATTER: Did you?
ALICE: Really, now you ask me, I don’t think—
HATTER: Then you shouldn’t talk.
MARCH HARE: No!
ALICE: (Rises and walks away) You are very rude. It’s the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all
my life—(White Rabbit enters, carrying a huge envelope with a seal and crown on it)
MARCH HARE AND HATTER: No room! No room!
(Rabbit pays no attention to them but goes to the house and raps loudly. A Footman in livery,
with a round face and large eyes like a frog, and powdered hair, opens the door)
WHITE RABBIT: For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.
FROG: From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet. (White Rabbit bows and
goes out)
MARCH HARE AND HATTER: (To White Rabbit) No room! No room! No room! (The Frog
disappears into the house, but leaves the door open. There is a terrible din, and many saucepans
fly out.)
MARCH HARE: She’s at it again.
HATTER: It’s perfectly disgusting.
MARCH HARE: Let’s move on. (The platform moves off with table, chairs, March Hare,
Hatter, and Dormouse. Meanwhile, the Frog has come out again and is sitting near the closed
door, staring stupidly at the sky. Alice goes to the door timidly and knocks)
FROG: There’s no sort of use in knocking, and that for two reasons: First, because I’m on the
same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they’re making such a noise inside, no one
could possibly hear you.
ALICE: Please then, how am I to get in?
FROG: There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us. For
instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know.
ALICE: How am I to get in?www.skits-o-mania.com
FROG: I shall sit here, till tomorrow. (The door opens and a large plate skims out straight at the
Frog’s head; it grazes his nose and breaks into pieces. Frog acts as if nothing had happened)
Our next day, maybe.
ALICE: How am I to get in?
FROG: Are you to get in at all? That’s the first question, you know.
ALICE: It’s really dreadful the way all you creatures argue. It’s enough to drive one crazy.
FROG: I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.
ALICE: But what am I to do?
FROG: Anything you like. (He begins to whistle)
ALICE: Where’s the servant w
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