Subtle Unkindness: Couples move from vibrancy to life support when they start saying no to the little things they ask of each other. You could be asking to have the trash taken out, or to talk about what happened at work. Whether it’s about doing something or emotionally connecting, saying no seems like no-big-deal at the time. But those nos add up, and the tiny acts of unkindness translate into “you don’t care about me” faster than you think. Eventually, the question becomes “Why should I love someone who doesn’t care about me!”
Sticky Fights: We’ve all sat next to the person on the plane that seems to talk and talk, and it gives a feeling of being stuck. Couples can sadly start to fight like that—the fights get sticky and hard to end. These kinds of fights feel like a trap until someone slams a door, hangs up a phone, or tunes the other one out. The problems don’t get solved, because the fights aren’t about the topic; they’re about hurt feelings and misunderstandings. If sticky fights start to happen more and more, love begins to disappear.
Loneliness After a Fight: The brightest day can seem like midnight if you’re lonely and feel despair. Big fights that don’t resolve anything lead couples to isolate themselves from each other—they go off to separate corners to lick their wounds. But…that means that the person you thought you could count on to dry your tears has become the one causing the tears, and they don’t come to apologize and try to fix things. Instead, they leave you to feel lonely and to take care of yourself. Why be in a relationship that hurts and makes you feel all alone?
Rewriting the Story of Us: Couples begin building a story of their love the moment they meet. The story becomes a part of what sustains the love much later. But, if a couple is terminally ill, a change in the story can be seen. You don’t just add a plot twist; you rewrite the story. Memories of how you fell in love become memories of how you thought you fell in love, and you begin to believe it was all a lie. You begin to believe you weren’t really in love, weren’t really that happy, or weren’t really attracted that much. Once the story gets rewritten, love can easily flat-line.
Sleeping with a Stranger: You look over and think “Who is this person that made me feel so bad last night?” When love starts to look like a weed you shot with Roundup, you usually decide the other person isn’t who you thought they were. Instead, you see them as a stranger—and not a nice stranger. Your thoughts consist of negative ideas about your partner’s character, and you predict that those character flaws are permanent. You fall out of love because you believe the stranger is a villain who lied from the beginning.