Too Much Pie
I walked down the grass-covered paths between the numerous wood frame booths. This was the first state fair I had attended since I was a little boy. The sights and sounds of the various vendors mixed with the old-fashioned rides brought back good memories of growing up here in northern Texas. Now in my first trip back, I thought I could re-live these enjoyable experiences, but this time with a twist. I knew that the fair would be a great location for ‘hunting” my favorite creature – a big bellied cowboy or redneck.
And the scenery was not disappointing. Everywhere I looked, there were men, some young, some older wearing cowboy hats or baseball caps, with well developed guts sticking out over their tight jeans. It must be the deep fried fatty foods sold nearly every twenty feet that brings these guys out.
Then I saw him. Standing in line at the chili dog booth was the most gorgeous man I had ever met. He was very muscular with a tight black t-shirt stretched over his huge pecs and gut. Every other muscle was extremely well developed from the melon-sized biceps to the quads about to burst from his painted on jeans. He was probably in his late twenties and had a very masculine square face that complimented his thick build. But it was his protruding belly that most caught my eye, perfectly round and sticking straight out seemingly defying gravity.
He ordered eight chili dogs and proceeded to devour them as if he was starving. I followed the bloated cowboy to the next booth where he inhaled a giant banana split covered in a mountain of whipped cream. At the following stop, he scarfed down three double cheeseburgers and two of the giant baskets of French fries.
This routine continued for about an hour, when he finally paused for a break. The cowboy’s rounded belly had blown up like a balloon, making him look nine months pregnant. He leaned against a tree and tried to catch his breath. A couple of teenagers walked by and poked the belly ball as they passed. The poor overstuffed young man just groaned and let out a loud belch.
I took this opportunity to use the restroom myself, but was disappointed when I returned to find my cowboy not at his tree. A quick look around confirmed my fear; he must have returned home to rest his blown up belly. Well, at least I had something to remember the day.
An hour had passed when I passed a large tent on the edge of the fairgrounds. A sign noted that a pie-eating contest would begin in about forty-five minutes. In smaller print were the instructions to sign up at a separate area. It didn’t seem like anyone was around, so I thought I could check the set-up before the event started.
The inside of the tent was filled with standard metal folding tables lined up in rows. There must have been at least a dozen tables, most covered with different types of fruit pies. As I got closer though, I noticed that a lot of the pie plates were empty. It was then that I heard a loud groan.
I went past one of the rows of tables, and could not believe my eyes. Sitting on the floor, with the area around his mouth covered in blackberry, cherry and blueberry juice, was my swollen cowboy. His shirt was off and his stomach has blown up to amazing proportions. I figured that his belly had grown so much that he had burst out of his shirt. The tan sphere was a big as a beach ball and had faint blue streaks surrounding the protruding belly button. He was holding onto the stuffed gut with both hands as he leaned back against a large wooded pole.
“Holy shit,” I exclaimed as I knelt down next to him, “Dude, you’re about to explode.”
“Ohhhh…. help…me… I’m… gonna… pop…” he slowly responded.
“What’s your name, man?”
“It’s… Dustin…I… was… just… so… hungry,” the obscenely bloated cowboy tried to explain, “but… I… overdid… it…”
“Dude, I’d swear you’ve swallowed an exercise ball,” I observed, then reached over and began to gently pat his gut. “I never thought a man’s belly could get this big. And so tight ”
“You… gotta… help,” he begged, “The pressure…I’m… ‘bout… to… burst ”
”Sure, Dustin,” I replied, “How does this feel?” I began to very gently massage the massively swollen stomach.
Dustin smiled slightly, “Feels… good…” he stammered as he closed his eyes.
“Hey, what the hell’s going on? What are you two boys up to?”
I turned to see three large men walk into the room. All were wearing jeans and baseball caps and did not appear to be the type of guys to mess with.
“Uh, my friend here doesn’t feel too good,” I stated, “Just helpin’ him out.”
“DAMN Look at the size of that gut,” the first man said, “Come check this out ”
“SHIT, he looks like he’s about to give birth to a five year old Hey, he ate our pies ” another responded.
Now the three men were surrounding the poor hugely bloated cowboy. They were not happy that he had eaten most of the food they had set up.
“Well, if he’s that hungry, maybe we should help him finish off the rest,” the third man suggested.
With that he grabbed a pie, and stuck a slice into the mouth of the already over stuffed young man, still sitting on the ground holding his belly. Dustin’s eyes widened when the first slice of pie was in his mouth, but he could do nothing but swallow. The man followed with several more slices until the pie was gone.
Now the second man repeated the process.
“You’re gonna bust him open ” I stated, “That’s enough. Look at his gut ”
The first man reached down and gave the pie balloon attached to Dustin a hard poke. “Yeah, a stomach this big should be able to hold a lot. Keep feeding him boys ”
Poor Dustin kept swallowing the slices of pie, scary but at the same time fascinating. I could see the cowboy’s belly swell up to even more bizarre proportions.
One of the men then grabbed Dustin’s left arm and lifted. “Here, help me stand him up. That’ll allow us to get some more of these pies in him.”
It wasn’t easy even for three very strong men to lift up the extremely heavy Dustin. They watched as he stood swaying in the middle of the room. “He’s gotta weigh over 300 pounds,” one of the men noted, “Look at him; he can barely stand ”
“Hell, his gut alone must weigh 300 pounds. Look at that fucker sticking out ”
It was true. The sheer size of Dustin’s gut was unbelievable and it appeared as if he had been literally inflated like an enormous balloon. The weight was so much that soon the young cowboy had to step back and lean up against one of the large wooden poles.
The three men began to feed more pie into poor Dustin. One of the men managed to get an entire pie into Dustin’s mouth at once, and I watched him try to swallow the whole thing. There was a great rumbling from within the gigantic sphere, and we all knew what was going to happen.
”HE”S GONNA BLOW ” one of the men shouted. I watched as Dustin got more wide eyed and he glanced down at the giant sphere sticking out from his muscular body. The ball swelled and swelled then…
KABOOM
I ducked behind a table as large amounts of red and purple pie filling came flying across the room. The sound of the splattering was deafening but subsided. As I lifted my head, I heard one of the men say, “Well, no-one in the pie eating contest will eat more than that. I think we have our winner! ”