I am very sorry that I did not writ

I am very sorry that I did not write back to you for a few days. You are not wrong, ON. This is my fault. This was caused by me. You are absolutely correct. You did not do anything wrong. I did everything wrong. I caused you to have a strong struggle in your mind. I am absolutely wrong.

I have been thinking and thinking and thinking again and again and again what I should do after I received your email letter of May 15, in which you wrote in the way "I need to be with someone in person Not just be a lonely person chatting on the computer. I don't want only a pretend online relationship. It's almost more lonely than being alone. Only a way to fool yourself that you have a partner. I need to be with someone in person. Just sit together, spent time togetther, hold hands and talking, laughing". You are correct absolutely. I agree to what you wrote. I understand your ambivalence and struggle. I have the same kind of feelings. I started the internet dating in order to fill my missing heart. As I wrote in my profile and as I have written to you, I have been lonely and have felt a big hole in my heart for a long time. As I wrote, I did not try to fill this emptiness so far. I have been trying to accept this emptiness and trying to convince myself saying like "you chose this." In a sense, I can say that I have been looking for a place to disappear from this real world. That is why I managed to find the dangerous places when I travelled abroad. I said to myself, "I am already ready for the next world. I will not regret what I did so far." Truthly and honestly, I did not expect any proper ladies to find in the internet dating site. I just enjoyed browsing ladies with different cultures and languages. Suddenly you came to me. First, I took you as the same lady as other ladies. So I just wrote short messages first. But sooner or later, I was so moved by your honesty and sincerity. I was so impressed with your earnestness and eagerness to live in your daily life. You are so energetic and so active. In a sense you woke me up. You finally made me to think that I should try to have a meaning life as long as I can survive, not to try to find the way which would lead to the next world. You are a savor for me and you are an angel for me. That is why I always wrote to you, "You are always No. 1 and I am alway No. 2."

As I have written so far, I am thinking of going to Thailand and staying there from 2014 because I have a contract one more year with the current institution. They asked me to extend the contract two more years but I will not extend it any more. But it will be next year to go to your country. This is not the problem of tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. About a year ahead. Thinking of these things, I feel very sorry to you, ON. As you wrote, the more you write, the more strongly you feel lonely. I feel in the same way, that's why I can understand what you wrote in your last email. The more we write, the more strongly we come to feel our relationship must be a fake. Instead of just writing, I want to do the same thing as you wrote, like walking hand in hand, talking together, going any place together, eating, smiling, chatting always together. Also I want to hug you and kiss you and so and so and so. Since you are much younger than me, I am sure you must have stronger struggles. I love you but since I love you very much, I should not do anything to make you feel unhappy. But the truth is the more I write to you, the stornger loneliness you have.

Since I love you very much, I wrote this email letter very honestly. If I did not love you, I could have written to you by way of concealing everything, just pretending that there is no problem with some plausible excuses. But I love you, ON. I cannot make you unhappy. I think I should not write to you any more at all. Of course, I feel very very sad but this would be the best way to make you happy. To write to you more will cause you to feel more lonely and unhappy. Since I love you, I should not do anything which makes you unhappy. All that I should do in order to make you happy finally is not to write to you any more.

Thank you very very much, ON, for giving me a dream and hope even though they were momentary and transient. I was very very happy to write to you and to read your letters. Your letters are treasure for me forever as long as I live. You will surely continue to stay in deep of my heart forever, never fading. I will never forget you. Please forget me and find a better person. I am pretty sure you can make it.

Today, it is a rainy day here. It rains calmly as my tears. Good bye, good bye, good bye. Hope you will get happier. Again, thank you ON. Please forgive me.