At their toughest moments, we have

At their toughest moments, we have seen couples bicker painfully, come close to blows, and
“take leave” of the session—figuratively or literally. Such intense moments are quite likely to
affect us in a highly personal way. Even as I (LH) take a “meta-perspective” and try to empathize
with both partners to help them understand and change their dysfunctional ways of interacting,
it is sometimes hard not to think, especially after the sessions, “Oh,my goodness, do I sometimes
do that? Is this how my partner and I sound when we argue? Am I sometimes as impervious
when my partner criticizes me as this woman is?” Of course, the answer is sometimes “yes,”
which results in my resolving to be more careful and thoughtful in my communications and
interactions. But of course, just like our clients, we don’t always remember, or remember to
practice, the lessons we learn. For example, I have found myself trapped in demand–withdraw
interactions with my partner, in which, at least temporarily, there is a kind of dissociation going
on. The “stubborn spouse” part of me is continuing in the negative interaction pattern even as
the “trained family therapist” part of me is observing it!